Seems like we just started our half of the summer break with Alex yesterday and already he will be returning to his Mom's this coming Monday August 9th. Until now I have never posted anything on Facebook or on this blog about what is going on with us at home. In part I think it's because I feel so many different things about it all.
Alex decided February 22 of this year that he wanted to live with his mom. Mainly it started because of an argument between the three of us (RJ, Alex & Myself). Things were said that made each of us feel bad and in the end we decided that maybe it would be ok to let him "try" living with his mom. He felt our rules were too strict and he was very jealous of Gracie and Lucie and that our attention had been focused more on them than him.
Words can't express how bad I personally feel about it all. Alex was my world before the girls were born. From the beginning I have always treated Alex like he was mine. He had just turned 4 when RJ and I got together. As the years have gone by we have been through a lot with him. Through all of the negative comments made towards me (by his mom) and just the negative attitude about me being in Alex's life I tried to always make sure he knew I loved him so much. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I think that got away from me over time. I hate that he doesn't want to be with us. I told him how sorry I was if I ever made him feel like he wasn't still just as important to me as the girls are. Things are a bit better now, but I still feel guilty about all of it I guess. I feel like I let him down. All RJ and I ever wanted was to have a big family. It's just not the same without him with us everday. It's very hard to get used to, so now we take it one day at a time and try to enjoy every second we do have with him.
By writing this I think I am somehow apologizing to everyone not just Alex for not being the person I should have been. But I am trying very hard to be that person again.
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